His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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