on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
