It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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