Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
