Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
