I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
