I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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