He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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