Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
