I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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