Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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