im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
How does one acquire holy water?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
