I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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