Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
