So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
