just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Drunk is a universal language darling
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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