I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Randomize
