dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
