You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
