I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
