Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I got her a Nickelback box set.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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