took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
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