How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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