Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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