IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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