Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
