His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
