apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
