are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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