My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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