the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
