i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Randomize
