nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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