You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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