I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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