Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
