On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
