He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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