he was CRYING into my vagina
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
