I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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