So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize