two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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