really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
