I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
