The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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