So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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