I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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