Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
