You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
and she was petting her beer can
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
