i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
