Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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