My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
