lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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