Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize