Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
