someone threw a dead crab at me
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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