I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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