Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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