im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
