the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
