I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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