The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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