Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
